Well, that sucks

"ttyymmnn" (ttyymmnn) 05/14/2019 at 12:57 • Filed to: None

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I just found out that an old college colleague of mine is going through a divorce. His wife filed, but I don’t know any particulars. They’ve got two daughters the same age as my boys, and my friend has to sell some beloved instruments to pay the lawyer. So sad for that whole family, but I suppose if people aren’t happy, then they’re just not happy. They were married for about 25 years.

functionoverfashion > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:02

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Wow, 25 years. I mean, people change, and you can’t possibly anticipate that. But no one hopes for that. Tough on the kids, too, of course. 

ttyymmnn > functionoverfashion 05/14/2019 at 13:04

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He and I don’t talk all that often, and they live on the east coast. Haven’t seen them in many years. So I don’t know if this has been a long time com ing or not. She is also a musician, and I have heard many cases where competing professional interests have doomed a marriage. 

Chariotoflove > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:05

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The older I get and the longer I’m married, the more I understand how people end up divorced. I don’t have any such inclinations, but I get it. Because relationships over that much time are really hard. People change despite their best efforts. After 20 or 30 years, you can find yourself with someone who bares little resemblance to the person you signed up with.

But also, the longer I’m married, the more profoundly sad stories of divorce make me. So much invested and lost.

Also, are you buying the cornet?

ttyymmnn > Chariotoflove 05/14/2019 at 13:08

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I lived through two divorces as a young child. The first I was too young to really remember, the second was very ugly and on display in front of my brothers and me. Ever since that, I vowed that if I got married I would marry once and stay married. I am fortunate to have found a mate who wants to stay with me and I with her. She is also a musician, and I have known a few musician couples who end up splitting over professional opportunities. I don’t know if this is the case, or if she just wants out. 

Chariotoflove > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:13

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My parents are both physicians. There were plenty of professional opportunities that could have broken them up. Mom had just won tenure at Harvard when they were recruited to Indiana, a step up for my Dad . In the 80s, they were both recruited by UCLA, which would have been a step up for one but a lateral for the other. Any one of these and other professional opportunities could have broken them up, and with today’s generations may well have.  I am blest that they were able to work through their shit and stayed together over 50 years.

TheRealBicycleBuck > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:14

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Which “she” are you talking about? The friend’s wife or yours? I assume that it’s not your wife who is also a musician who is looking for other opportunities....

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:15

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Always feel very sad for the kids in these situations...

Hope they can keep it civil, at least.

CalzoneGolem > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:15

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Divorce is always the worst choice. I’m trying to convince my sister she’d be better off splitting with my BI L instead of “staying together for the children. ”

Ash78, voting early and often > Chariotoflove 05/14/2019 at 13:16

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The hardest thing about “competing professionals” is that someone will 99% of the time be taking a less-than-ideal opportunity because the other one got a great offer. The key is to not feel resentment over that temporary, une qual balance of fairness.

Resentment is crazy...it can slowly build over decades without anyone even realizing it.

TheRealBicycleBuck > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:17

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Marriage is hard and it takes a lot of work to make it last. My parents divorced when I was little, so I know how hard it can be on the kids. Let’s hope that your friend’s kids aren’t hit too hard.

DipodomysDeserti > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:20

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Tell him to keep mum about selling stuff, as that’s usually prohibited once a divorce petition has been filed. 

functionoverfashion > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:21

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Well on that last point, my wife has always been highly ambitious and successful, while my professional interests have consisted of a) being very lucky and at least a little intelligent and b) wanting to have a boat.

ttyymmnn > Chariotoflove 05/14/2019 at 13:22

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Decidedly fewer opportunities for musicians, though. You are blessed, as am I that my father, who remarried and eventually took custody of both my older brother and me, stayed married and provided a very stable home for us. 

ttyymmnn > TheRealBicycleBuck 05/14/2019 at 13:23

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The friend’s wife. My wife took a job at UT to support her deadbeat musician husband and she’s still there. I became the stay home dad, and though I’m somewhat less of a deadbeat than I used to be, our whole family is extremely indebted to her sacrifice. 

ttyymmnn > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 05/14/2019 at 13:24

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I think they will, though they are taking pains to keep the kids out of it and to keep things behind closed doors. 

ttyymmnn > CalzoneGolem 05/14/2019 at 13:25

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What’s even worse are the people who have a kid in the hopes that it will save the marriage. It rarely does. 

ttyymmnn > TheRealBicycleBuck 05/14/2019 at 13:25

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I lived through two as a kid. The first I don’t remember, the second was out in the open and very ugly. 

CalzoneGolem > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:26

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Those people are the worst. Fuck those people in particular.

TheRealBicycleBuck > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:26

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A job at tu? That is a sacrifice!

:)

Chariotoflove > Ash78, voting early and often 05/14/2019 at 13:27

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This is true. Careers can get to a point where both in a couple are recruited as a package on their individual merits, but that's usually late in the game. It really takes a different mindset on life and priorities to make it work out and be happy.

ttyymmnn > TheRealBicycleBuck 05/14/2019 at 13:28

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Well, she makes serious bank, and the benefits are fantastic. She’s pretty high up the food chain in her department.

Chariotoflove > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:29

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I continue to think that you could make a profitable sideline in aviation journalism if you are so inclined.

TheRealBicycleBuck > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:29

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My mom was a saint. It was rare that she spoke of my father and when she did, her words were carefully chosen so she didn’t poison the well. Despite all her effort, my uncle managed to reveal the truth in fell swoop. “Do you want to see a picture of your dad?” “Sure,” I replied. Uncle shows my dad’s mugshot....

“If you want to see him, we can arrange for a visit.”

ttyymmnn > Chariotoflove 05/14/2019 at 13:31

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I read lots of different aviation websites, and there is a style that I don’t have. I could learn it, of course. But I need to do something. 

ttyymmnn > TheRealBicycleBuck 05/14/2019 at 13:34

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When my mom was married to her second husband, she got pregnant with my step brother. When it was time to deliver, it was in the middle of the night and he refused to drive her to the hospital. The hospital where he was an administrator. The hospital where he worked . He showed up the next morning in a baby blue suit with some flowers, but all the nurses--and my mom--saw through that bullshit right away. He had his moments, but most of the time he was a straight up asshole. He was never physically abusive to me, but I also tried very hard to just stay out of his way. 

Chariotoflove > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:39

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Well yes, it would take an investment beyond doing TDIAH.

TheRealBicycleBuck > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:44

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My dad was fishing at the 61st street pier in Galveston when I was born. They called the pier multiple times to get him to come back to Houston. He finally stopped fishing when my grandfather threatened to come to Galveston and kick his ass all the way back to Houston. His excuse? He was in a run of trout and had almost caught his limit. 

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:47

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Did you buy a horn from him?

ttyymmnn > TheRealBicycleBuck 05/14/2019 at 13:48

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Priorities.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > TheRealBicycleBuck 05/14/2019 at 13:49

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Nice! So glad he shared. Your mom deserves props. 

ttyymmnn > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 05/14/2019 at 13:49

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If I were wealthy, I would buy the horn and gift it back to him. I would love to own the rotary trumpet he is selling, but I play that sort of horn so rarely and he’s asking a lot of money for it. It’s a very fine instrument. And I just remodeled by bathroom....

TheRealBicycleBuck > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 05/14/2019 at 13:51

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My mom was awesome. I’m glad I didn’t get to know my uncle until I was in my twenties. That kind of cavalier attitude would have made it difficult for my mom to stay civil. 

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:51

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I’d forgotten parts of that story, never kne w other parts.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > TheRealBicycleBuck 05/14/2019 at 13:52

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You made that up. No, truth is  stranger than fiction...

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > Chariotoflove 05/14/2019 at 13:55

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You state it well. We change as we age and a good marriage must be maintained, and the maintenance improves the marriage. The thought of divorce makes me profoundly sad. A bitter comedian once said, “Skip marriage and divorce. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.” I’ll sometimes quip to my wife, after we hear of someone else’s divorce, “Let’s just stay married.”

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:57

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Mrs. Ttyymmnn is a musician?

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 13:59

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Well played, Sir.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 14:00

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But I need to do something.

Like become a pilot? Ya’ gotta walk that walk before you can talk that talk. And getting a job doing something you love is a good way to take all the fun out if.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > functionoverfashion 05/14/2019 at 14:01

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Your priorities are out of order. b) and a) are in reverse order.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > DipodomysDeserti 05/14/2019 at 14:01

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Killjoy.

shop-teacher > CalzoneGolem 05/14/2019 at 14:02

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One of my best friends got divorced about a year and a half ago. They had one young son together, and things were going badly. One of his other friends actually sai d to him, “Just have a second kid together, that will fix everything.”

Thankfully my friend is not THAT dumb.

That other friend has three kids by a woman whom he never married, and of course is not with anymore.  A real authority!

CalzoneGolem > shop-teacher 05/14/2019 at 14:08

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I can’t comprehend how anyone could think children will fix things.

I mean I love our kids and we have a tight loving family but they ain’t easy on your mental or physical health esp as a new born.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 05/14/2019 at 14:10

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I wish I made that up. I didn’t believe the story until my uncle confirmed it. Then I was even more disappointed.

ttyymmnn > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 05/14/2019 at 14:14

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Poorly written. I meant to say that my friend’s wife is also a musician.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 14:30

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Buy it. Then tweak a corner of your repertoire to have use for it. I just bought three Snap On ratchets for that exact reason, but they are probably 1/75th of what the horn costs.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > TheRealBicycleBuck 05/14/2019 at 14:30

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Do you know your dad at all?

ttyymmnn > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 05/14/2019 at 14:34

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I would only use it on 19th century German orchestral music, and 90% of that has only two trumpets. The ASO is doing two all-Beethoven concerts next season and I’m not playing on either of them. So really, I have very little use for it. 

Snuze: Needs another Swede > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 14:41

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That sucks for your friend, especially after 25 years . My wife’s cousin just got divorced after only 18 months of marriage. No kids, hadn’t bought a house yet so no major shared asse ts, so it was relatively quick and clean.

But r eading all the comments here, it reminds me of how relatively insulated I am from divorce. The only other one that was remotely close to me was my grandmother and grandfather, and that happened like a decade before I was born. Around the time I was born my grandfather started coming back around and reconciling with his kids and my grandmother. By the time I consciously remembered things, they were friends again and I didn’t know until shortly before he died they were even divorced. She lived in the house my mom and uncles grew up in, my grandfather lived in their beach house and owned a resturaunt near there, so I always just assumed they had unique living arrangements.

functionoverfashion > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 05/14/2019 at 14:56

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Ah, but hear me out: Prior to meeting my wife , having a boat was priority #1 because I used it to pick up girls. It worked, it’s how I met her . And eventually we got the exact boat I’ve wanted since before I met her. So now it’s #2.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > functionoverfashion 05/14/2019 at 15:07

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That might be a wee bit too much information.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 05/14/2019 at 15:37

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Nope. They separated when I was three. A few months after the divorce , he forced my mom off the road and stole “his” mustang back from her. That led to a protective order. Visitation was allowed, but it was limited to either a state facility or with police protection at a neutral site. With my mom and I living in a different state, it meant I never saw him again. He died of a combination of pain killers and alcohol in my early 20s . My half brother, who I met in my mid-20s, followed in his footsteps and died in the same way just a few years after our father died.

shop-teacher > CalzoneGolem 05/14/2019 at 15:47

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Yeah, I can’t understand that thought process easier.  Under the best of circumstances, raising a child is trying.

Monkey B > ttyymmnn 05/14/2019 at 16:23

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It’s a damn shame people create life together and can’t even sit down without a lawyer and make things fair for everyone. 

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > TheRealBicycleBuck 05/15/2019 at 11:29

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Dang. That’s quite a story. The good news: doesn’t have to be like any of that for you. And yours.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 05/15/2019 at 12:02

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It was my experience with my father that helped me determine what kind of father I wanted to be. So, I’m still married, still working hard, and still involved in my kids’ lives (as much as you can be with teenagers). My son told my wife last night that he and I needed to fly to Oklahoma to go check on a few things as soon as I get my pilot’s certificate. How many teenagers volunteer to spend 5+ hours with their parents? It b rings joy to my heart!

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > TheRealBicycleBuck 05/15/2019 at 14:04

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Rock it, Yo.